Tuesday, January 8, 2019

The Spectrum

I've been meaning to come by the old blog for some time to write some reflections on my life over the past year. It has been incredible and so much more than I anticipated heading into it. It was both very painful and very rewarding and I thought writing about it would help me make more sense of it as writing has so often in the past.

Then someone with a completely different life wrote a post that did a pretty good job of expressing my feelings...on Instagram of all places and so I'll just steal her concept. There's a human tendency to want to wrap up a unit of time, like a year, with some sort of definitive judgement. This was a good year, or a learning year, or a hard year. But really when I look at 2018, I see as Kaitlyn wrote, the spectrum. There were moments where I learned that I could do things I never knew I could, I had new experiences I never dreamed I'd have, met new people, worked incredibly hard to create something, learned about where my heart lies when it comes to work, and I loved. Hard. Not a person necessarily, not a job per se, but a team and a belief in building something together.

But it was also hard. I made some poor decisions that resulted in real consequences. I made what I thought was a friend who unlocked some part of me that had been long bound up tight and all the repressed hurt and brokenness of my life came spilling out. It wasn't always pretty. I've had to face my own issues with more clarity than ever before. I lost big time and then I had to try to hold my head up every day and pretend that I was okay with my new reality and the way my world--that once felt like it was big and expanding was suddenly shrinking.

I kept thinking that if I pushed through the end of 2018, I'd be okay in 2019. And I was okay for a lot of the end of 2018, though I had setbacks. I thought 2019 was going to be amazing. Instead, I've been sick every day of 2019 with a lingering and persistent cold. 2018 ended with the death of my grandma and my feelings are somewhat complicated about it. There have been setbacks at work. I feel tired and alone.

For 2019, I have certain things I want to achieve, but I guess, most importantly, I want to feel the same sense that the year was important when I look back. I realize that it may just be tiny small steps taken over the course of many days, but I need to progress. This life is short. My life gets shorter by one day everyday. I need to make it matter. And I do think, if you read that tweet, that going where the love is is my 2019 goal. I hope I make it.

A Few Recs from 2018:
The Good Place--I don't watch nearly as much TV as I used to, but this show just hits the spot. It always makes me feel better about the world and life and our relationships to each other. It also makes me laugh out loud which is rare. I just LOVE it. If you haven't watched, please do!

The Haunting of Hill House--to me this show was horror perfection. It's incredibly smart television, moving, scary, touching. I just...watch it.

This piece about how the soul doesn't want to be fixed, but witnessed blessed me so deeply when it entered my life I can't overstate it. Because I'm a pretty transparent person, the times I was in pain this year were pretty obvious and there were people I respect who offered a lot of unsolicited advice that didn't really help at all. If you can sense someone in pain and you can't understand it or you think if they just did this one thing it would be better!! Maybe just stop and instead offer the comfort of your caring presence.

Jessica Dore's Twitter account. I'm not even really into Tarot at all, but her therapeutic words have given me moments of peace and great insight. Thanks to whoever retweeted her onto my timeline.

My other favorite account this year has been Blair Braverman. She tells the sweetest stories about her race dogs and this one in particular just hit right in the heart. Such wonderful freeing love!

Here's to 2019 and an increased presence on the blog, a safer more loving world, and growth. Always growth.

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