Review: Still: Notes on a Mid-Faith Crisis by Lauren F. Winner

When the joy and intensity of conversion wears off, what's next? What if after spending years believing in God, you suddenly find yourself up against a wall wondering if God does in fact exist? Life comes in three stages, right? Beginning, middle, and end, what's in the middle?

These are some of the things Lauren Winner addresses in her new book. I'm having a hard time formulating thoughts, because the book is more a collection of loosely related anecdotes about the journey in the middle of faith than a straightforward narrative. It's a lovely book, though, beautiful, compulsively readable, moving, unflinchingly honest. It's given me a lot to think about, and inspired me in some small ways which..I don't know whenever something inspires me lately it feels like a miracle.

Let me tell part of what I love about this book. Lauren Winner is an academic and a bookworm. There is no journey here that is separate from being a reader which is something I really related to. She derives a lot of inspiration and comfort from poets and authors and their journeys and what they've put down on paper for the ages. So you find in this book, Anne Sexton and Emily Dickinson and Jane Smiley and John Updike. She also finds meaning out of seemingly small moments in life, which I often do as well. She takes things in and mulls them over. As she's searching for the "what next" she tries different things. I really appreciated all of that.

The life of faith is not an easy one, but for whatever reason it is something that is hard to give up. I don't even know how to explain this since faith has always been there present in my life. And for a lot of people, in the beginning, when you first decide this is something you want to do, or you first find yourself believing that God is a lot more real than you ever thought he was before, it's exciting and there's a lot of joy. And you do things because you want to and there's like this hunger inside to lives this life of faith, to press close to God, to know his people. But that can't last forever, and eventually life rears its ugly head and things are hard, and you're left wondering if God is really real or all those things you once believed so fervently are true. Sometimes it happens with one big thing or maybe it's a gradual wearing away. And for Winner it was a combination of things but I think a lot of it was her divorce. Divorce is so frowned upon in Christian circles, marriage is seen as so sacred. So...getting a divorce would be a huge thing, I think, for a Christian, and especially someone like Winner who is a public Christian in many ways.

The book is divided into three sections kind of loosely based around the wall, movement, and presence. The second section where she sort of focuses on a Lent period in her life is where she also discusses the hiddeness of God in great length. I related to this part a lot. One of the things she talks a lot about is how good it is to go to church. And it made me feel really sad because I know this is true. But I haven't really been a part of a church for a long time, and I know it's problematic, but I have a problematic situation. I grew up in an evangelical church and I liked it. I like the style of worship, the kind of fellowship. I like the freedom in the service, I like wearing my jeans to church, heck I LOVE house based churches where the most significant meetings are held in living rooms, and it's impossible not to get close and talk for hours and deeply with the other people in your church. I don't really do superficial all that well. And yet, at the same time, I'm becoming increasingly liberal in both my politics and my theology. I often feel suffocated in churches when I visit now, either suffocated or bored. (which she also addresses) So many of the churches I visit have sort of bubble gum happy sermons and worship music and it's exhausting for me to concentrate. And before you start preaching at me, I know it's selfish. I know that part of going to church is setting aside self and I know that genuine relationships with people I wouldn't necessarily befriend otherwise is all part of community. And I miss it, I really do. I miss that sort of hard earned, heart breaking intimacy of truly sharing your life with a group of people thread together only by your shared desire to love God. But I feel like the churches I visit don't even allow for that sort of thing, everything is a smooth and polished surface and I don't know how to break through. And I don't know what to do with my anger over certain issues either, it flashes up so fast when things like homosexuality come up and I don't know how to be a part of a people with a heritage of hate. So while I was reading Still, I thought, she's so right, church is important and it's good to go to church and I should start all over again looking for a church. Who knows, maybe I will! I know that I am robbing myself and that it is hindering me in my spiritual life to stay away.

The boredom thing really got me too, because it's also true. I used to love theology. Like I loved discussing it and reading about it and I hungered for more, and now I can barely be interesting. Every once in awhile I'll look at the blogs in my google reader for example and find an article or two to read, but for the most part I find myself apathetic. And like I said, church services themselves bore me.

But it's not all negative! The last section she talks about moving towards something, new sort of remaking your faith in a new way. And I really really loved this part, especially the chapter on cooking and baking because it was kind of profound. But there's a coming to peace, with the unknown and the uncertainties and finding a way forward in a new kind of faith.

The book is lovely and for anyone who has ever wondered what exactly is going on in their spiritual lives, it's an invitation to consider many things. I recommend it!

Rating: 4.5/5
Source of Book: Received for Review
Publisher: HarperOne

CFBA Book Spotlight: Ruth's Redemption by Marlene Banks

About the Book: Set in the 1800s, Ruth's Redemption, is an unusual depiction of the lives of slaves and free blacks in pre-Civil War America. Bo, a main character, was educated while a slave. He was given his freedom and now owns a farm buying slaves for the sole purpose of giving them their freedom.

Bo is also a man of God and widower whose life is destined to change when he meets the proud and hard-hearted slave girl, Ruth. Ruth has known nothing but servitude and brutality since being separated from her mother at age thirteen. Purchased and sold primarily for breeding, Ruth struggles to adjust to life outside of bondage. She wants no part of Bo's Godly devotion. Yet Bo is unlike any man she's known and her experiences with him will leave her forever changed.

A gripping slave era novel, Ruth's Redemption is a story of love, forgiveness, and redemption. Set against the backdrop of the Nat Turner Rebellion in Tidewater, Virginia, this novel shines the light of God's unconditional love in the darkness of a culture's cruel socially accepted inhumanity.

Me: I wanted to like this book, but I couldn't get into it after a few chapters.

Review: Irises by Francisco X. Stork

"Love is not just what we are obligated to do. It is not just what we have to do. Love is also what we want to do. It is what we have to do and what we want to do with all the power of our being."

The start of 2012 found me in Kentucky helping my grandma sort through and pack up her belongings. It was an emotionally intense week and I was reading The Beautiful and Damned which was a book that required me to concentrate more than I usually do when I read, and on top of that I was having trouble sleeping. One night I finally got to sleep and immediately began to dream about Anthony and Gloria. Thankfully, I managed to somehow wake myself up from this nightmare and decided instantly I needed to start another book. I chose Irises thinking that it would be a good change of pace. This was a faulty assumption in many ways, because while The Beautiful and Damned was requiring brain power, Irises engaged my heart and emotions in a powerful way. I fell deeply into the book, and did not feel like I was exactly getting any recreational break in my reading!

Irises is about two sisters, Kate and Mary, whose father dies and leaves them in an uncertain predicament. Their mother is in a permanent vegetative state and requires a lot of care. Kate has dreams about her future that might be coming true but they hang in the balance with their uncertain future. Her boyfriend wants her to marry him, Mary will still be in high school, and there's no money. Adding to their stresses, their father was a minister and the church needs them to move out of the parsonage so that the new pastor can move in.

Both Kate and Mary are well defined characters. I felt like I knew who they were early on in my reading, Mary is the sensitive sister who is also an artist...and also the sister more likely to subjugate her own desires for her family. Very early in the book, for example, she has to miss a trip to the museum for her sister. And Kate kind of takes it for granted, not realizing it's one of the few things Mary finds joy in. And Kate is the more ambitious older sister, who is sort of rebelling against what the people in her world want for her. She's driven and desperate to leave behind the town she grew up in. And I have to say about a third of the way through the book, I really loved Mary and felt annoyed by Kate, but then I read this thought provoking blog post about female image and identity by Julie Clawson that made me rethink how I was reacting to Mary and Kate. But I also think this is something Stork wants the reader to consider as well, because as the story progresses Kate wrestles with whether or not wanting something for herself is being selfish and just how she can make the right decisions out of love.

Before he passes away, her father talks to her and tells her that he wanted her to be strong but that he's now worried he took it too far and that while she can withstand the blows life may throw her, what cost will it come at for her? He's worried about her soul, but he reminds her that love makes everything that is heavy light. He's not as worried about Mary, and Kate agrees with him, because it seems that faith was in Mary's blood. This conversation sets the stage for the journey Kate goes on through this book, and she returns many times to puzzle over the things her father said to her.

Kate has been in a long term relationship, but she's drawn to the new minister. He's young, handsome, and charismatic. The first sermon he gives after her father passes away is about truth and how he always promises to tell them truth. He goes on to say that to love is to sacrifice. Kate feels this sermon land on her which was one of my favorite parts because this isn't Christian fiction! "Kate remained very still. She saw Reverend Soto's eyes fall on her again, and for a moment she felt as if he had spoken directly to her, as if the whole sermon had been meant for her, urging acceptance of a truth that was unlike any truth she had ever heard." And it was like an instant change for Kate like it would be in Christian fiction, but she pulls this sermon in and begins to engage with this idea. So things are happening, Kate's boyfriend wants to marry her, but she's not sure she wants that at all and their aunt is visiting and pushing for them to get things worked out and refusing to stay with them. And Kate's been accepted to Stanford but she has to decide how she's going to go when their mother's care is such a huge burden on them. And that's when she starts to think that maybe they should let their mother go. But this is a decision she can't make on her own, and so she brings it to Mary.

And Mary is stuck, she can't paint since her mother's accident because she can no longer see the light in people in order to paint them, so she's lost the thing that makes her happiest. And she desperately wants to hold her family together and she's searching out solutions on her own for what can be done. And it's easy to feel super sympathetic towards her, she's younger and less in control in her life and artsy and I feel like her best friend Renata is the built-in cheerleader for her. Which is good because Kate DOES overlook her needs. One of the things I think is well done is how Mary is the one who finds her father, and lets his soul go. She knows what needs to be done, but the actual letting go is so hard. But Mary's willingness to hold on or to sacrifice her own desires for her mother are not necessarily framed as the best thing. And she also strikes up a friendship with a boy that sets a really nice contrast to the decisions she has to make herself. Between Mary holding on and suppressing her own wishes and Kate trying to figure out how to fulfill her own desires you have the perfect story for exploring what love really is.

So you have these two stories going on at the same time about these two sisters and how they are trying to figure out what to do about their futures and they are wrestling with the ideas of what's expected from them and what they actually want and need. And the book, in my opinion, does a really great job of probing into these questions about love and sacrifice and what makes someone selfish. Is there a way to love someone and do what's best for them and yourself at the same time when those things feel completely at odds? And there's also, of course, the idea of letting go and moving on and doing really hard things to give yourself freedom. And the conclusion friends, is very moving and freeing and beautiful and I cried. I loved this book a stinking lot. It's a beautiful story about finding hope and love in even in difficult and painful circumstances.

I should add this link to this post by the editor because she talks about some of the other things that might be interesting to some of you such as writing across identity and economic diversity in YA.

Rating: 4.75 (for structure, characters, themes, execution, pacing, etc. I want to give it 5 but the prose was a little choppy and at times distracting)
Things You Might Want to Know: Maybe a brief description of sex
Source of Book: ARC requested for review when I found out they were pastor's daughters
Publisher: Arthur A. Levine (Scholastic)

The Sunday Salon, With a Brief Mention of Books

So Google has a new privacy policy (I know because I have so many gmail accounts that forward into my blogging account and so I got like 10 emails all at once) which I think is probably a mess and something I should be angry about, but I don't really understand it. My biggest thing is that I don't mind, I guess, if my google accounts are associated with my email account, but I do mind if my online/blogging and personal email accounts are in any way linked together. Also I don't want the whole world to know all my details. Please tell me what I should be doing! Google has lost their sparkle and shine, I have to say, with the unwelcome changes they made to Reader, moving picnik over to google plus, etc. I'm not happy. :( And unfortunately, I use so many google products between email, Reader, blogger, and chrome is my favorite browser right now. Sigh.

Apparently there was drama about bloggers being at ALA? This totally passed me by, I just saw a few random mentions on Twitter. Can anyone tell me what happened? I was thinking of going to some parts of ALA in June, but if it's an issue I just want to know!

Books
Reading has not been working out for me this week, sadly. I'm still reading the same book I was reading last week, which is a sign that I don't really like it. Unfortunately, it's for a blog tour I signed up for in a moment of weakness last year. I did start another book alongside, which is kind of fun, Spin by Catherine McKenzie. Hopefully I'll finish up this obligatory read so I can enjoy my reading life again! I am definitely off the blog tour thing for good now.

TV--Lots of Stuff, Brace Yourselves
Switched at Birth--I really liked the show again this week, I'm surprised to be honest at how I consistently enjoy it. I think it got off to an uneven start but ever since it found it's footing towards the end of the first run of episodes it's been fantastic. I guess it was slightly irritating that Bay and Daphne were trying to save Emmett's motorcycle while he was doing absolutely nothing, but I see the purpose behind it..to force Daphne and Bay to deal with some of their issues. And I thought it was understandable that Daphne would act on the temptation of having money around, even using the excuse of losing her hearing aids and fully believing it was for a good cause. Accidentally sending the text to her mom instead of Emmett was a nice touch, because I've totally done that--sent texts to the wrong person, even the person I was talking about, argh. The scene where she had to tell Kathryn what she'd done and Kathryn said, "I thought we could trust you." and Daphne realized what exactly she'd lost felt so heartbreaking and true. It is a hard moment growing up when you do something crappy and lose the trust of the adults in your life, but it's also a big part of growing up and deciding who you are. And...like something I think is interesting but I'm not sure if it's intentional on the part of the show is the way Kathryn reacted to Bay and blamed her for Daphne's behavior, thinking Daphne would never do that. Which of course, Daphne did exactly what she was accused of and thought of it on her own. And I wonder if there's a little bit of saintliness the Kennish's have attached to Daphne, because she's hearing impaired and has "overcome" so much in their minds that surely she would never do these sorts of horrible things that can be just normal teen behavior. They are used to Bay being like that, but not Daphne. I don't know it's just interesting.

And the conversation between Daphne and Bay, where Daphne opened up a bit and shared about what Emmett's motorcyle had meant to them both was a really nice scene. I love the scenes between the two girls best. I was also glad that Daphne told Emmett to take Bay out on the bike..it was nice and I hope that maybe she'll back down especially since maybe she'll reconsider Wilke? Fingers crossed! I didn't really care about Toby and Simone, though it's nice they are still trying to give Toby a storyline of his own! And while it's a much smaller arc, I think they've been doing a really great job with Kathryn and her attempts to break out and become her own person and not hide in the shadow of her husband and family. Choosing the lawyer was a great step in that direction. But the scene of the week for me was at the end, when Angelo told Regina that he understood why she'd done what she did and she broke down with the relief of finally being able to share the weight of that burden and be understood. I could really feel that emotion, it was great. But...it also led to her and Angelo sort of um, getting together again which I don't think is necessarily the wisest choice at the moment. After all, Regina did say it wasn't so much that Daphne had said yes to Angelo, as she was just tired of saying no. Clearly I have a lot to say about this show, maybe I should just start recapping it.

Alcatraz
I liked this episode as well, though I guess it was more about establishing some background on Soto than really advancing the mythology which is understandable I guess? I'm not exactly sure how big the mystery really is and so they'll probably tease it forever, ugh. It's okay though, I like the mood and feel and of the show and the actors. Also, it amuses me that both this show and Once Upon a Time rely on a dual narrative, and neither are anywhere as compelling as LOST was. Sigh.

Downton Abbey
I'm watching season two at the pace it airs on PBS, and while I really liked the first three episodes, I felt a bit bored during the fourth. I really don't care about Bates, I hate Branson, and I just want Matthew and Mary to be together, okay? Also, I'm feeling really bad for Daisy being pushed on William when she doesn't love him. Sad times!

Gossip Girl
This past week's episode was lots of fun with Blair's bachelorette party and Dan pulling a Cyrano de Bergerac writing her vows, and the continuation of Serena's story line which I've already written way too much about and I'm probably one of the only people kind of looking forward to the 100th episode this week. I want it to be pure ridiculous goodness. Since they are supposed to be referencing the pilot a lot, I rewatched it and then it kind of depressed me because the show has declined so much in quality. Also Chuck was SO disgusting in the pilot, it's unbelievable to me that they went on to make him one of their biggest romantic leads. Ugh.

White Collar and Grimm
I started watching White Collar on Netflix but I'm not sure I'll continue. I thought the pilot was good but then it's quickly fallen into the land of the formulaic. Why are good TV shows so hard to come by? :( Also, I finally watched the pilot for Grimm and it was pretty silly, but I'm going to watch a few more episodes anyway. I like the slightly darker edge it has.

Stuff in Development--Seeing what the networks are ordering to pilot at the moment is depressing me. There are two Beauty and the Beasts--one at the CW and one at ABC and the one at the CW is supposed to have a "procedural twist" Nothing makes me want to bang my head against the wall like that! The CW also ordered The Carrie Diaries but my hopes for it are slim since I'm the only person I know that would be willing to watch it. And everyday another stupid comedy or procedural is announced. I mean I think I heard about one yesterday that is based on Groupon. Are they serious with this?

Film
So the Academy Award nominations were announced, and naturally I'm hoping Tree of Life wins, though I did really love Moneyball. Neither are terribly female friendly. I do want to see some of the other films on the list and hope to soon!

I also watched Cowboys & Aliens this week and kept falling asleep. And I finally watched Paranormal Activity 3! I don't care, guilty pleasure, etc. etc. I still liked this one! I keep expecting not to, but I think this one might be the scariest yet, and the ending was SO freaky beyond the first two. Are they done with them now? I mean I don't really know what other stories there are left to tell, to be honest. By the way, the guy that created Paranormal Activity also helped create The River that new show that's going to be on soon. I caught the pilot at Comic-Con and while it's a bit out there I think it has potential. I like the aura of mystery around it. Ugh, I'm still waiting for that next great show with an amazing mythology and characters I love to death.

Okay so I hope you all have some answers to my questions! And I hope you had a wonderful week! :)

The Growing Relationship Between Books and Television

At the beginning of the year, Laura Miller wrote at Salon that "The novel and television are commingling as never before. And it’s about time."

She went on to discuss the latest acquisitions being made and the way in which several literary novels are being adapted to television. It's exciting in many ways, as TV has the potential "to spread out and explore the byways and textures of a novel’s imagined world." TV makes a better fit for book adaptations than film, she argues, and in many ways I agree. I think the trend towards books like The Corrections and Faulkner's works is fascinating and feels like new ground in a lot of ways. I love books and TV best, as you know, they sometimes war in my heart for which I love more and the complementary nature of this growing world appeals to me in many ways.

But...I don't actually like many of the shows that have been adapted from books I love. The first example that springs to mind is Rizzoli and Isles. In some ways, I actually resent the show for not being everything I hoped it would be. I don't mean to be a stickler about screen adaptations never living up to the books, but there are certain elements I certainly hope to find present in a show that is based on characters I love. I guess, at minimum, I hope to find the heart of the characters and the defining characteristics of their relationships to be adhered to. Certainly I recognize that TV is entirely different from novels--new storylines will open up and things will change the characters in fundamental ways, but I want to think that a show will start out in a place that feels true to the heart of the books. And that was absolutely not the case with Rizzoli and Isles. I love the characters in the books to death, they are both incredibly intelligent, hard working women who have a layered and complex working relationship. The show decided to go for a silly, over the top, BFF vibe. It's not that the show isn't fun, I'm sure it's fun for a lot of people. It's just that I look at the source material and then I look at the show, and think...this was the best you could do?

Even book-to-TV factory Alloy adaptations let me down. The Lying Game completely abandoned the premise of the books and as a result the title makes no sense, since the actual Lying Games never feature into the story!

But even more interesting to me is the forthcoming The Corrections since Franzen himself is writing on it. The book is ten years old! And now he's being given a chance to go back to the book and revisit the characters and stories. It's almost like being given a second chance on the story itself. It will be interesting to see how it does and what he chooses to do with the opportunity. Miller also raises some interesting questions about how Franzen's adaptation of The Corrections will have a status any other person's adaptation wouldn't.

Despite the exciting opportunities being presented by adapting books to television series, there is still much to consider as a reader. Could we eventually lose something with this new phenomenon? I have to admit that A-J Aronstein's recent essay at The Millions on this subject is one of my favorite things I've read on the internet in ages and explores this question with depth.

What can I say? The brain is sometimes lazy. It conjures approximations of Mr. Darcy, or Daisy Buchanan, or Chip Lambert based on people we know. We try to understand a novel in the vernacular of our own experience. Our relationships condition our mental, emotional, and psychological connection with characters. And when we say that literary fiction is “character-driven,” we mean this: our private interactions with texts depend as much on the associations and imagination of the author as on the associations and imaginations of the reader. Our desire to know them — and to know them on our own terms — drives us to read.

When books are adapted to the screen, we begin to lose bits of what made those stories our own and the ways they were grounded in our own experience. A whole new ingredient has been added into the mix, or an intermediary if you will. We aren't directly engaging with the text, we are engaging with someone else's interpretation of it. But because of the ties they hold to the novel, names, locations, plot details, they have the potential to interfere with our own memories of the experience of the book or the world we found inside the pages.

It's an exciting world to be sure, and I still think there are a lot of books that would make great television series. But I also think wholly original content on TV can be just as fulfilling and work to the advantages of the medium.

How do you feel about the growing trend in adapting works of literary fiction for television?

Books on TV: Gossip Girl and The Beautiful and Damned (AKA Really Long Thoughts on Serena's Arc)

"Beautiful things grow to a certain height and then they fail and fade off," Serena van der Woodsen quotes to a movie director in Gossip Girl's fourth season finale. "I relate to it more than I should admit," she adds. The quote is from F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Beautiful and Damned and Serena meets the director, David O. Russell, after a chance encounter with his assistant who was reading the book on the beach. When a book is given such prominence in a show, it's worthwhile to consider what exactly the writers are trying to convey by giving it screen time. This wasn't the first time The Beautiful and Damned made an appearance in the show, earlier in the same season Serena gifted it to her professor/love interest and told him it was her favorite book.

I decided to read the book to see if it could give me any insight to the way the writers think about the character of Serena. For anyone who doesn't watch the show, Serena is sort of the it-girl of the story, beautiful and desirable, things generally fall into her lap. But she lacks direction, is often guided by her impulses in the moment, and is constantly trying to remake herself and become a better person. Of course she is given a background that explains her behavior, her mother was neglectful, her father abandoned her, and she's often been objectified by men.

I'm glad I read the book, because I can see how Gloria Gilbert guided the characterization of Serena in season 4. The above quote is Gloria's, she says it to Anthony when they are looking at old buildings and Gloria is oddly offended by the idea of preservation. The full quote is: "Beautiful things grow to a certain height and then they fail and fade off, breathing out memories as they decay. And just as any period decays in our minds, the things of that period should decay too, and in that way they're preserved for a while in the few hearts like mine that react to them. Trying to preserve a century by keeping its relics up to date is like keeping a dying man alive by stimulants" It's fitting that Gloria in the novel, whose entire sense of self worth revolves around her beauty, would take issue with the attempt to preserve the fleeting and the temporal. She later says in this same section, "there's no beauty without poignancy" and it later bears out when they leave their honeymoon behind, she weeps over the fact that nothing can ever be repeated, and will never quite be the same again. Beauty by its very nature is transient, and since Fitzgerald casts Gloria as beauty incarnate, this combination of adoration and loss creates an interesting dilemma for Serena.

Serena as Gloria Gilbert

At the beginning of Season Four of Gossip Girl, Serena and Blair are vacationing in Paris. Serena is having the time of her life, having left behind a complicated relationship situation where she was torn between two boys, she's seeing many men, living in the moment ("home doesn't exist until we're there" she tells Blair at one point) and Gossip Girl herself even declares her "a muse to us all." This is Serena at the height of her Gloria Gilbert characterization, living in the moment, indulging in the pressing passion of the now, and captivating the people around her with her beauty and her presence. In The Beautiful and Damned, Fitzgerald describes this mentality as Gloria at her normal state of mind, "existing each day for each day's worth."

It's not only the way Serena herself lives, though, but the way people react to her. There has never been a time when Serena fancied a boy she couldn't have, and at the beginning of the fourth season she feels she must decide between two boys, Dan Humphrey--her first real boyfriend of the past, and Nate Archibald, the golden boy and friend since childhood. When she returns home, both boys have made attempts to move on thus delaying her choice. When they talk about her, it's almost as if she's an addiction they can't shake, and they strike an agreement to not have anything to do with her (purportedly to preserve their friendship). But when tough times hit Dan, he seeks Serena out as an escape, she represents a kind of idealization of the past for him, a sense of things being easy and free from emotional complications. The same holds true for Nate, after being emotionally manipulated by another girl, he shows up at Serena's doorstep in hopes of rekindling their relationship. Both of these relationships had ended for legitimate reasons, but Dan and Nate seem to forget them when presented with the idea of Serena. And a third love interest, Colin, feels that after meeting her he's willing to forgo his playboy ways in an effort to get to know Serena better.

The Colin relationship is somewhat puzzling, but I feel it holds some significance outside of it's linear narrative purpose. In the episode before she meets him, Serena declares to Blair that she can't choose between Dan and Nate and that she needs to find someone who can give her what she finds appealing about both men. It would make sense that this would be Colin, who, according to Serena is "handsome in an old Hollywood way and smart." Colin is a self made businessman and unfortunately, also Serena's professor. They decide to get to know each other outside of a romantic relationship while he's her professor and Serena gives him a copy of The Beautiful and Damned which he amazingly reads in like one day. (so unfair it took me a week!) In the original script for episode 4x07*, Colin was supposed to quote a passage about Gloria and say that it reminded him of Serena. The episode was changed to make his reference much more subtle and generic, but I think that we can believe that even though Colin might represent the ideal partner for Serena, he still viewed her as Gloria Gilbert. The passage from which Colin's favorite quote is meant to have come from: "...she moved him as he had never been moved before. The sheath that held her soul had assumed significance--that was all. She was a sun, radiant, growing, gathering light and storing it--then after an eternity pouring it forth in a glance, the fragment of a sentence, to that part of him that cherished all beauty and all illusion."

Irrelevancy

I guess all of this begs the question, why did the writers choose The Beautiful and Damned as a framework for Serena's character? The story of Gloria Gilbert is depressing and slightly outdated. Her relationship with Anthony more closely resembles Blair's relationship with Chuck than any relationship Serena has had. Personally, I think it's tied to the label Gossip Girl gave Serena at the end of season 2--irrelevant. Gossip Girl labelled Serena this way because her status as the it-girl in high school was coming to an end. On top of that, Gossip Girl herself gave Serena her relevancy--thus creating a complicated relationship between the two.

When Serena is first slapped with this label, she reacts badly. She attempts to take Gossip Girl down and fails. After all, if Serena can get rid of Gossip Girl, she is getting rid of the person who controls the narrative about her relevancy. It's also interesting that in this episode, Dan seems to think that perhaps their friendship might be over, feeding into Serena's insecurities about how she matters.

This is not unlike Gloria. Gloria is loved for her beauty, and dreads growing old. When she goes out for a part in a movie, she is at first encouraged but then rejected. She does not receive the lead role, but rather a smaller part, she is cast aside, her beauty is no longer opening the doors for her that it once did. I think this is at the root of Serena's insecurity--she is aware that she is known and often loved for things that are fleeting, and that the real Serena is overlooked or unknown.

In episode 4x19, she hits her lowest point on the irrelevancy scale when she discovers that Dan and Blair have formed a secret friendship and have become so close that they consider they might have romantic feelings for one another. She is angry and hurt, but Blair strikes at her deepest fears when she says that she shares a connection with Dan where they do things they could never do with her. Serena has suddenly become irrelevant to a relationship her two best friends share.

This drives her to make a decision in 4x22 to choose herself, which is the first step in developing a Serena beyond Gloria Gilbert. Her chance encounter on the beach centered around The Beautiful and Damned gives voice to her awareness of the limiting value of the superficial and it launches her into a career that gives her a chance to develop purpose.

Season Five--Taking Control of the Narrative

5x01 opens with Serena happily working her production job in Los Angeles as the filming for The Beautiful and Damned wraps up. She loves her job, she's eager to take on more work, and let her own ideas be known. But when a co-worker tries to sabotage her job, she's once again confronted with the existing narrative about Serena van der Woodsen, when he bitterly says to her, "So it looks like things really do come easy for Serena van der Woodsen, just like I heard." This prompts Serena to take responsibility and ownership of her actions. But, interestingly enough, The Beautiful and Damned also makes an appearance in this episode. The episode opens with a shot of the film Serena has been working on all summer. Anthony holds Gloria and declares "you're such a swan in this light." In the book, I feel this is another passage about the elusive nature of beauty, but I'm going to be rebellious and say that in the show it's about the transformation of Serena van der Woodsen.

Serena again butts heads with someone else's narrative about her life in 5x04. Her ex-boyfriend/step-brother/good friend Dan wrote a book about all of his friends and in this season's most fun episode to date, the book is released. Serena has served as a muse to Dan in the past, and fully expects that she will be portrayed well. She feels Dan knows the real her, and if anything she'll simply be put on a bit of a pedestal. But the reaction of her co-workers clues her in to the fact that this is not the case. Instead she feels she's been depicted as selfish, insensitive, and shallow. And while this leads to an emotionally charged scene with Dan where she tells him she always thought he was the only person who saw her for who she really was and who she wanted to be, it's also worth noting that because of Dan's book Serena loses a valuable and highly sought after meeting at work. The existing narrative about her interferes with her job and her own goals.

It's interesting that in 5x06, Serena and Dan's career goals come up against each other. Serena has convinced Dan to sign over the film rights to his book to her as a way of making things up to her boss. But her boss has different ideas about how to use Dan's book than Dan does and Serena ends up sacrificing her job to protect Dan and his reputation. In some ways, it's a precursor to her eventual goal to become a new and improved Gossip Girl. While she makes a sacrifice that's admirable, she also makes the choice on her own about someone else's portrayal. She is, in a sense, controlling the narrative about her friend. Additionally, she also agrees to write her own blog in this episode and tell her own story. Keeping in mind that part of Serena's Gloria Gilbert characterization is based on how others react to her, it's significant that both Jane and Diana express support for Serena being someone other than the current public opinion holds she is.

In 5x07, Serena is now writing her blog, but she doesn't know what to say about herself. Her cousin suggests that if she wants "people to read you, then they need to read about you first." In other words, get Gossip Girl's attention! It puts Serena back to the step one, her relevancy being dependent on Gossip Girl. She agrees, though, and a convoluted plot ensues. Diana suggests to Serena that Gossip Girl is heartless and cruel when a blast comes out that Serena has been stood up on a date, but Serena says it's nothing compared to the past, and the first example she uses is when Gossip Girl called her irrelevant! Diana says they need to work together so that Gossip Girl "loses her readers and their attacks lose their power." Serena declines at first, but when Charlie comes under attack by Gossip Girl, she agrees to help Diana take down Gossip Girl. Charlie also tells Serena she doesn't need to be seen with some guy to define who she is. ♥

One other thing that is kind of interesting to me about 5x07 was the choice to film at Sleep No More. I puzzled over the idea that this was a pivotal episode in the story line of Gossip Girl as an idea until I read a few reviews of the play from friends that went together. They each had an entirely different experience, because there is no one story to be told at Sleep No More. As a backdrop for an episode about confused encounters it works, but it also works as a framework for exploring the idea that there are multiple ways to tell a story and the perceptions and life experiences one brings to a story affect the way it is received. On the show, Gossip Girl generally sends out suggestive blasts with pictures, but could the same gossip have an entirely different impact in someone else's hands? This is the idea Serena engages with as the season progresses, so Sleep No More is actually a really interesting place to launch that part of the story.

Episode 5x10 is when old Gloria Gilbert!Serena begins to battle with new emerging Serena. Serena is confused about where her own story is going and wishes she had a way to look back at where she's been and maybe where she's going. Dan suggests she look back at Gossip Girl blasts to get a sense of things. As she does, feelings for Dan begin to stir within her as she reflects on their relationship. She knows that Dan is in love with Blair, though, and makes no mention of her feelings to him. Even so, when Chuck and Blair are in a car accident believed to be caused by the paparazzi who were alerted by Gossip Girl, Serena decides Gossip Girl has to go down for good...and Nate agrees with her.

In 5x11, with Nate, Serena decides to become the new and improved Gossip Girl after she realizes that it's not just the pictures and secrets that are a problem, but the assumptions that come with them. This is important to me in the progression of her story line this season because you start with Serena reacting and taking ownership over her actions due to what people say about her and in the important mid-season episodes, she's at the point where she now wants to take overall control of the narrative. But...you also have these lingering feelings for Dan that seem to me to based on old Serena, the Serena that looks to what someone else says about her and thinks maybe that part of being Serena is being with a man. I feel like since Serena's feelings were sparked by reading Gossip Girl blasts, her feelings for Dan come from a place where she's insecure about where she's headed. My understanding of her relationship to Gossip Girl thus far is that in order to defeat her label of irrelevancy she needs to come to a place where she no longer depends or cares about what Gossip Girl says about her.

I make no predictions about where this story line will lead, and I wouldn't be surprised if it takes a bit of a backseat to other story for the next run of episodes. And...I don't know I don't relate AT ALL to this idea of being valued for surface beauty and yet the irony is it all feels rather poignant to me, I can't help but sympathize with Serena as she struggles to find worth beyond the worth she has to offer men.

I HOPE that it's relevant that Nate is the one helping Serena forge this new identity even as he works on his own independence. And at the moment, he's certainly doing it out of friendship with no ulterior motives. But I'm slightly nervous it's just going to end up in some big mess where we find out everyone is even more related than we thought.

Coming Up

Next week is Gossip Girl's 100th episode and several weeks ago a video leaked of a dream sequence Serena will have. In the dream, she sees herself as Marilyn Monroe singing "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend." I feel like the song is the perfect choice and Marilyn the perfect movie star for Serena to see herself as. The song is about the importance of a girl securing a future for herself before her looks fade and in so many ways that seems like what Serena is battling towards this season. And yet, she's distracted by the fact that she has lost Dan's attention to Blair. My loose Serena-centric interpretation of this dream is that Serena is battling to be herself and yet she's not quite there yet, she still hasn't fully let go of the idea that Dan's/men's attention is important. And yet she realizes that Dan is interested in a girl who in the past would never have been a threat, a girl known for her smarts and incidentally, Serena's best friend.

*totally useless bit of information, but Marilyn Monroe was married for a time to Arthur Miller who described her this way: "She was a whirling light to me then, all paradox and enticing mystery, street-tough one moment, then lifted by a lyrical and poetic sensitivity that few retain past early adolescence" After all the Gloria Gilbert as light talk I waded through in The Beautiful and Damned I have to admit that I thought Marilyn was an excellent choice for Serena's dream. (along with the obvious--blond sex symbol reputation!)


*Gossip Girl had a huge script leak problem last season which is the only reason I know there were changes from script to screen in episode 7.

Thoughts on The Beautiful and Damned by F. Scott Fitzgerald

When I was in high school, they split up our junior year (mostly American lit) reading between classes--one class read The Great Gatsby and one class, my class, read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. I was slightly bummed at the time because I remember my sister loved The Great Gatsby and at the time, of course, I still idolized my older siblings, but I ended up loving Huck Finn. (there is a probably a life metaphor in there somewhere) I never took the initiative to read The Great Gatsby on my own, but now years later, I have finally read F. Scott Fitzgerald! I read The Beautiful and Damned and it was not necessarily a fun read, but I guess I'm glad I read it since he is considered to be such a great American novelist, etc. The setting for the book is the 1920's? But the book was published in 1922 so maybe a bit before that, the war in the book is the first world war.

The Beautiful and Damned is primarily Anthony Patch's story and he is in no way a likable protagonist, there was nothing redeeming about him really, but obviously that wasn't the point. Anthony Patch has enough money to get by, certainly, but what he really wants is his grandfather's inheritance, so he's basically waiting throughout the entire book for his grandfather to die, so he can have this unlimited amount of money to squander on the pursuit of pleasure. He meets Gloria Gilbert, and thinks he falls in love with her. Gloria is beautiful, like the most beautiful girl ever (of course) and Anthony must have her! So when she sort of turns him down at one point, he gets very childish and pretends he doesn't know her for like five weeks in order to make her see the error of her ways...and that's pretty much the story of their relationship. It's hard to believe they really love each other, but rather the idea of each other and the idea that they are young and beautiful and indulging in their greatest passions. But the reality of their relationship is ugly. Gloria clings to the sentimentality of it and Anthony essentially hates her and the hold she has over him, so he's manipulative and abusive and it's just not a lot of fun to read?

The book is divided into three sections, the first section being about how Anthony and Gloria meet, fall in love, and get married, the second section is about how their marriage slowly begins to dissolve, and the third section is pretty much about their utter destruction. I feel like the story meanders in some places, I hit the halfway mark and almost gave up. But even so, it's kind of a depressing look at desire. I mean ultimately I feel like it's the satiation of desire in the moment that both characters live for and that ultimately destroys them.

Anthony's feelings for Gloria are largely centered around his desire to possess her. "He was not so much in love with Gloria, but mad for her." She is the one thing he really wants in the beginning of the novel and for awhile she remains out of reach for him. An old family friend is also interested in her and that drives Anthony mad with jealousy, but eventually he...wins? And marries Gloria. And it's good times at first, they go on their honeymoon, and rent a house and they are happy and indulging all their inner passions. Only they have serious problems and those come out in the a scene that made me think, "why am I reading this book?"

Fitzgerald prefaces the scene with saying it was an incident that stole Gloria's brightness or whatever, but really it was just Anthony being abusive. They were out with friends and Gloria wants to leave but Anthony doesn't and he's annoyed by her insistence that they need to leave. And they argue about whether or not he's drunk, and then comes this gem: "In his mind was but one idea--that Gloria was being selfish, that she was always being selfish and would continue to be unless here and now he asserted himself as her master." They fight and Gloria is miserable, but Anthony thinks, "Ah she might hate him now, but afterward she would admire him for his dominance." It's just really gross, but it does take place approximately halfway through the novel and signifies the turning point in their relationship...things are never quite the same again, while they might find temporary reprieves, whatever trust Gloria had in Anthony is shattered in a way that can never really be repaired. The closest she comes to feeling things for him again is when he goes to war and she's writing him letters overcome with sentiment.

But nothing seems to stop Anthony and he continues to work his way to his own destruction. He goes to train in the army for war and self sabotages the opportunities he has there, strikes up an affair with a local girl, and continues to drink. He neglects Gloria until it becomes clear she might be forgetting about him at which point he does everything in his power to try fix things. And that's pretty much the story of Anthony Patch. He doesn't want anything until it's out of reach and then he wants it desperately. He even says at one point, (to the girl he's having an affair with for crying out loud!) "Things are sweeter when they're lost. I know--because once I wanted something and got it. It was the only thing I ever wanted badly, Dot. And when I got it, it turned to dust in my hands.*" Honestly that pretty much sums up the story of Anthony's life! He only ever wants what is just out of reach.

Gloria spends the novel preoccupied with her own beauty and its inevitable deterioration. When she thinks at one point in the book she might be pregnant, she's upset over the idea that her body will lose its shape because that is what Anthony loves. She is told again and again how beautiful she is, so when something happens towards the end of the novel to make her feel like she is losing her youth, she's really upset. And there's this weird thing in the beginning I think, where we are supposed to believe that Gloria is beauty itself incarnate.

The book wasn't without humor though, sometimes I did just laugh at how ridiculous Anthony was. He never wants to work and at the beginning of the book he thinks that he wants to be an author, but the very thought of having to sit down and try to pour all his thoughts out is off putting. I mean, I could actually recognize some elements of real human behavior in a funny way through some of these stories. And oh the disdain for the middle class! Anthony would rather be poor or rich than middle class.

Supposedly The Beautiful and Damned is really closely based on F. Scott Fitzgerald and Zelda. If this is true what depressing lives they had and what a jerk Fitzgerald was! But I do think it's an interesting read if you can bare hating the characters and knowing they will make every wrong choice available to them based on their desires in the moment. As you might guess, there's no happy ending in that. And I suppose there's still quite a bit of a cautionary tale in it. Also I was looking at some reviews and I saw someone say the characters are really complex and so is their relationship. And I don't quite agree with that because I felt like I understood everything about their driving motivations and how they related to each other, and I don't know if that's because Fitzgerald painted them so well or if it's just because it all boiled down to selfishness.

I read this book because the show Gossip Girl wove the book into their framework as a reference point for the characterization of Serena. I'm a sucker for shows that do this (hello Lost) and it was actually pretty illuminating. I will talk more about that tomorrow, but don't you think it's fascinating how stories build upon stories and no story exists in isolation? It makes me wish I could read more books and consume more stories, but alas I am only one person, I must rely on others to do a lot of it for me!

Rating: ha ha how do you rate a classic? like this 4/5
Source of Book: Bought it
Publisher: Signet Classics
*Okay so this reminded me of a line in a Cure song, "A Letter to Elise" so I looked up the song just for fun and discovered is actually does have literary influence in the form of Letters to Felice by Kafka!